A LETTER TO MY SON

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Dear Son,

I am sad to tell you that your paternal grandfather died before I met your mother; a once in a lifetime grandfather to have; he died at war against injustice and tyranny. Rejoice my son, away with those furrows crossing your brows, there is an advanced copy of him; me. I only pray you find me alive, for I myself would be one nice father you cannot afford to miss.

When you get to primary school, a nice-looking woman in skirts or a neatly dressed man whom they’ll call your teacher will tell you to respect your elders, read your books, be obedient and be a worshipper of God. Yes, be respectful to elders who are respectful to you. Being elderly is not a matter of age, anyone who is incapable of mutuality in respect isn’t an elder but a clown to laugh at. Yes, read your books but do not limit yourself to classroom books. Sneak into my study whether I’m home or not, I’ll pretend to not have known, all those big books, foray into their pages for they will add years to your age, and you’ll be wiser than those who read no such books. Read history, literature and encyclopedia for pleasure, others for exam. No colleague in your class can be better than you unless he reads more than you do. Life is a competition, always compete in stealth, but be aware, if you can’t beat someone, do not hate him or her, acknowledge his or her superiority, move closer to him or her and learn his or her tricks, you’ll soon grow better than him or her. Yes, be obedient but not to anything or anyone that insults your faith, your soul or your parents. Your parents are your gods, anyone who insults them deserve no respect. Be obedient, but not to people who are foolish, that is, people who do not protest when being oppressed or extorted. Yes, be a worshipper of God but not just that, believe in Him, trust Him, fear Him and love Him; humans are capable of killing your body but not the soul, God is capable of putting both to endless misery. If you do not learn to read the Holy Qur’an, I’ll not respect much of you, for every page is power the world will never dare, such power dwells in everyone who reads the Holy Book; it serves as light at murky times. Tolerate others of different faiths, nothing happens without God’s consent; variety of religions is not an accident in God’s plan. Yes, additionally, be a good boy. A good boy in your father’s definition is he who helps others and avoids lying, especially by God’s name. If any classmate or a senior colleague slaps you once, tell him he’s forgiven. If he slaps you again, frown your face to show your displeasure. If he slaps you thrice, return the slaps twenty-six thorough times. If he’s stronger than you, equip yourself with a less deadly weapon and teach him a polite lesson. If you can’t do that, piss in his tea and watch him drink unawares; idiots aren’t meant to be tolerated; kindness towards them would be to fix them. The same thing applies to secondary school.

Dear son, a higher institution is a different place to be. University witches, unlike those ones at home, do not appear dirty-toothed in dreams, they walk in nice dresses and appealing perfumes in broad daylight, smiling at you and bearing beautiful names like Clara, Peju, Bimbo, Kanyinsola, Josephine, Margaret, etc. unlike home where they bear Serifatu, Bintu, Iya Kafila olobi, Moomi Asake oloole, Momo Yetunde elekuru, Iya Silifa ile keji, and so on. Be wary of them, they give sex for free to corrupt your soul, whereas, sinful pleasures, if installed in the system of a promising youth, crashes his bloom. It is a sin to be completely useless in a higher institution; you must contest elections and serve humanity in your capability, unless of course you’re already nominated to serve in religious groups, activism groups, clubs or class leadership. You must not be that person who only goes to school for grades and graduate with no leadership record whatsoever. But be aware, society leadership is not so difficult as self leadership. If you cannot make personal policies for yourself and live by them, do not make policies for others or become an armchair critic. Nobody must threaten you and not regret it, not lecturers, not students, not landlords. Do not steal, do not rape, people who do those are slaves to themselves, incapable of leadership in any capacity, save robbery groups. You must be humble and coolheaded but not gentle. Do not be forced into an open or secret cultism against your will, you must be responsible for your own fate. Do not be violent with anyone; your father loathed violence (but not when it is provoked). Do forgive every time but never forget; all those who forget visit early graves.

Do not date short people if you’re not willing to marry them; they have problem with ego (self-esteem) and could attack you spiritually if disappointed. Do not have sex with ladies who give their bodies to you so cheaply; they’re either witches aiming at siphoning your fortunes or slave-blooded wide-holed onion-eyed slutty sluts totally devoid of morals and modesty. If you’ll have sex at all, have it with someone expensive, someone worth going to hell for, someone with whom unwanted pregnancy would be wanted as soon as it shows even in the face of economic or social unreadiness. Note this however, nobody is worth going to hell for. Do not see that woman’s nudity, whom you cannot marry.

If anyone tells you that Bob Marley’s source of inspiration was marijuana; tell him or her that your father says it’s a lie. You cannot give what you don’t already have. Truly, everybody has an activity that invites his inspiration; abusing drugs, smoking, drinking alcoholics, masochistic sexual adventure, music, beautiful women, evening or morning walk, swimming, noise, perfect silence, reading, praying, and so on. Your potential is already in you and whatever you’ve anchored your inspiration around is your own design. Whatever you choose nonetheless, try not to include drugs, smoking and alcoholics. They’re not as dangerous as speeding in a car though, or swimming in an ocean of sharks, or dating a girl who hates politics, but they could make you an aborted child of your own naturalism, especially if engaged beyond palatable measurements. Beware of friends that claim to be wholly holy, holy people don’t run around in pursuit of certificates, they read whatever interests them at home and do not seek employment from government, God employs them. They don’t even live around here.

Beware of friends that love golden things above books; they’re not born to lead. All great leaders I’ve read about valued books more than gold, for gold could sit there and utter no word but books, if even just a page is consulted could pass a message that would change the world. Do not try to please anyone, especially women that love men in golden chains and wristwatches; they cannot be satisfied. They’re a moving train, after they ruin your life will move on to the next victim possessing larger gold. All the kings in history that loved gold too much have mostly been tyrants and wicked warlocks. If you hear that a church is corrupt and the clergymen argue all the time, it’s because the chalices for the Holy Communion are made of gold, and where gold goes, evil follows. Evidently, gold went to Rome before protestants were made, not after. The only place where gold is safe, trust me, is the body of a married woman who covers her face, although liable to be robbed by thieves.

My son, it’s good to love women. At least, it’s better than loving money. Loving women brings your personal ruin; loving money brings war liable to ruin innocent others (and not just you alone). Love women that read books, they’re interesting to be with. Love women that love music, they’re good to be with when you need someone to talk to. Love women that love politics, they’ve read books. Love women that love arts, they’re wise. Love women that love poetry, they’re intelligent. But dear son, run from women that tell you their real age the first day you met, they cannot keep secrets. Run from women that abuse people, they’re barbaric. Run from women who aren’t shy at all, they’re potential prostitutes. None of them however, is to be disrespected or violated. Leaders are not born but made (by women). But if you eventually end up a sinner unclothed by a persistent lady, put on the stamina of a horse, ride at a steady and punishing trot, let it be a lengthy experience she would not dare provoke again.

My son, live but yes, for something greater than yourself. Nigeria is too small to live and die in. If you’ve not toured the European, Asian, American and African countries, you’ve not lived in my own opinion.

Your father is right here, without a sponsor yet a tireless architect of adventures. And will he not make you proud? He definitely will. Sorrow is joy’s Bank, every loss signals what gain to expect. Time has a nasty habit of disappearing like wind from a bagpipe but your mother is here, paying the piper and allowing me to call the tunes. Damn it! We’ll not wait for a lull in the storm, palms could be calloused, toes bruised and eyes littered with sand, circumstances threatening that it’s dicey to venture into the spattering goo, but we’ll not retreat, in the end, the world will regale you with your parents’ contribution to the restoration of sanity to human society. Lead a healthy life!

Yours sincerely,

Lord eBay, your dad.

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. I’ve nominated you for the Liebster award… You don’t have to accept, it’s just my way of appreciating you. 🙂
    https://ladyleemanila.wordpress.com/2015/05/28/the-liebster-award/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lord eBay says:

      Thank you so much, Lady Lee Manila. I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. my pleasure 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ” If you’ll have sex at all, have it with someone expensive, someone worth going to hell for, someone with whom unwanted pregnancy would be wanted as soon as it shows even in the face of economic or social unreadiness. Note this however, nobody is worth going to hell for. Do not see that woman’s nudity, whom you cannot marry”

    That’s some good stuff there.. Would like to see a little more empathy and hugs given to the slutty sluts to balance your arguments and make them warmer, but overall some great advice from the heart and the mind..

    You might like my rewrite of Oscar Wilde’s Ballad of Reading Gaol here
    The Ballad of A Reading Club | tHis tWisted yOuth
    https://thistwistedyouth.wordpress.com/2015/03/09/the-ballad-of-a-reading-club/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lord eBay says:

      Thanks for reading, Twisted Youth. I’ll check the rewrite.

      Like

  3. lasheats says:

    Nice, very nice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lord eBay says:

      Thank you, Lasheats.

      Like

  4. Great and interesting post! ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lord eBay says:

      Thank you, Patrice.

      Like

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