Almost everybody I knew as childhood friend is married. And while I’m still sure that I’m still too young for marriage, people are bent on trying to confuse me that I’m never readier. Okay, how can I get married now when I’m still economically soft and marriage cake is not made free of charge? People that attend weddings will not be so considerate to overlook the food aspect of it on the report that the couples are still unemployed, will they?
I once laid a crown of winter roses in a girl’s lap, blue as frost and foreign as winter itself, yet because I could not afford to take her to the pool on the following Saturday as requested, she left me. If I’d actually known a simple swim could end us, what are those rivers in my area doing just lying there? I would’ve taken her there for a big swim. I got a girl shortly after that, almost thought I’ve finally found love. She asked me for perfume. She actually said “perf” and before I found out what that was supposed to mean, someone else had bought the stuff and won her love, so I lost her. I lost a girl like that too because I actually went to meet her at a saloon on her call (without money). I kept amusing them with jokes until the hairdresser was through and suddenly dropped the bill in my laps. Damn! The bill was so high that even if such money was kept with me, I would run to the market, buy heavy kilograms of meat or fishes, cook meself some fine delicacy and roll a soft mountain of amala to celebrate my life. I actually told them so. “Aunty, haba, dis money is too mush o, wetin? No be say I no go pay sha o but… Okay, na like dis we go do am, I go come dey pay am small-small monthly until it finish patapata.” I lost that one too. The one after that said she wants to hold a graduation “ceremoney” from a tailoring craft. No, seriously, I was truthful with her. I told her that indeed, I WISH to take a fat part of the financial responsibility but she should know if WISHES were horses, she said beggars would ride, I said good of you. That was our last conversation. I got another girl, this new girl always had nothing lesser than 2000Naira on her phone but would still be demanding of me miserable denominations of recharge vouchers. When I discovered her Me2U password, I made it a duty to help her with the credit burden, transferred two-third of the credit to my phone like… What are friends for? She changed the password a day after. Then came the fat pretty girl. I went to her elder brother’s wedding. Big cars. Fine dresses. The former president Olusegun Obasanjo was also in attendance. I found myself on stage before Oritse Femi singing Igbeyawo ase gudugudu meje, amidst a crowd of prodigal sons spraying money in the air. And truthfully, I kept myself quite busy picking the big notes and filling my pockets. I was systematically discreet about it and I was sure nobody saw me. It must have been the stupid cameras, my girlfriend called me a week later to express what embarrassment I have caused her and how little I have made myself amongst his cheeky bag-necked brat siblings. I do not regret what I did sha o, I was merely saving the environment from being defaced by the lot of them with papers and dirt, obviously as a friend of the Go Green Initiative ambassadors. Go Green!
And there’s that one who claims that I deflowered her even though I’m her 332nd boyfriend. As long as she doesn’t ask me to buy her a golden puppy or DaVinci’s jotter, I’m as ready as any sensible person would be, in the heroic act of a deflowerer. It has its perks too, you know, being an actor. Well, Oyedeji Wale, Shaibu Majeed and Morakinyo Oluwatosin are on the lookout now, for girls of their own. Anyone else brimming with confidence?