It’s five oh one; I’m in my car
And speeding to my fav’rite bar
To join the same old sots and schmoes
To swap our lies and drown our woes.
I start with double whiskey straight.
I’m having trouble with my weight.
A gin and tonic next I’ve got.
My drinking’s chronic, but so what?
I once was randy, now no soap.
Another brandy ends that hope.
This loss of passion has me vexed.
A stiff old-fashioned I have next.
With lifelong acne I’ve been cursed.
A second dacqu’ri for my thirst.
I wish my weenie weren’t so small.
I’ll have martinis, after all.
My boy’s a bum and boss a bitch.
Bacardi rum and then I’ll switch
To lots of scotch and shots of rye.
Can’t read my watch; I’m getting high.
The stocks I bought are down the drain.
I’m overwrought and need champagne.
I’ve spent a hairy day in court.
A glass of sherry and of port.
Bartender Jim I like the best.
My sins to him I’ve oft confessed.
My dad’s an urban racketeer.
Jim brings me bourbon with a beer.
My sister, Sheila, sits in jail.
A tall tequila and some ale.
“Some water?” in my ear hints Jim.
I say I don’t come here to swim.
My friends are swingers with the pox.
I ask for stingers on the rocks.
The whole world’s scary; life’s a mess.
A bloody Mary for the stress.
I’m being hunted by the cops.
More wine I wanted; now it’s schnapps.
The Cosa Nostra wants me dead.
A third mimosa dulls my head.
By six I am completely stoned.
I pay the tab and have one more.
In taxi Jim for me had phoned
I sleep it off till at my door.
I fight again the urge to retch
When car next morning we then fetch.
I vow that I will drink no more,
But wife has heard it all before.
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