The last time I went to my hometown, I noticed something strange. As my brother and I drove through our neighbouring streets, I noticed there were beer parlours everywhere and people were in them, drinking and smiling, 24/7. No, I’m not here to condemn drinking, that’s not the point, the point is, I imagined, if every one of these guys were on the farm instead, growing cassava, how cheap garri would’ve become by now.
Somebody said President Trump said that the reason why Africans are poor is because whenever it rains, they think of sex instead of farming. Whether Trump truly said that or not, it is the truth; we all know it is. Every developed nation evolved agriculturally before they evolved industrially, for what do the industries depend on if not raw materials from the farm? Now imagine a country without agricultural maturity setting out for industrial revolution; she imports her raw materials from foreign countries and spends more than she earns. What are we to expect as outcome? Economic recession!
But instead of Adebimpe to realize this, she changed her name to Christiana and refused to come out of the church. If your phone battery drains out too quickly and you complain to her, instead of she recommending that you buy a new battery, she’ll rather ask, “Have you prayed on it?” Pray about battery? What is religion turning our people into? Pray that God makes your battery strong or what? Oh my gosh! And instead of Alabi to ask where his father’s land is so that he could use it to grow corn, he’s busy warring on Facebook, arguing which faith will go to paradise and which one, to hell. That’s all he knows. Ask him how Nigeria can come out of this recession, gbagaun, no answer. Olódo òshì. We think animals are stupid, yet they’re living in their own simple way. We think we’re wise but instead of living, we’re only dreaming of a world hereafter at the expense of the world here now. What have you done with this current world, ehn? You think God created the soil just so you could walk on it and that’s all? You’re in hell already, my dear, you just haven’t seen the alert.
Next time you want to complain about how derailed this country is, firstly ask yourself what role you have played in making it work, I mean, ever, ever in your life, what role? So, gbé gbogbo enu e soun! People discovered and are still discovering cures to diseases. Orville and Wilbur Wright invented the aeroplane; Elias Howe invented the sewing machine; Johann Gutenberg invented the art of printing; John Baird invented the television; Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone; Professor Hughes, the microphone. My brother, what have you invented aside your if-you-do-not-send-Jesus-is-Lord-to-fifty-people-you-will-die messages you’ve plagued WhatsApp with? Is it isé ayé or are you just born to be stupid? Edward Jenner discovered vaccination; Lord Lister discovered antiseptic treatment; William Harvey discovered blood circulation; Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen. Lord eBay has not discovered anything and instead of his Alhaja girlfriend to encourage him, she keeps urging him to abandon worldly pursuits and prepare for the hereafter instead. If your grandfathers have abandoned worldly pursuits, would there have been a cure to malaria? Would there have been cars to travel great distances? Prepare for heaven she says; a place where murderers, thieves, killer kings and corrupt politicians who have accepted Christ/Islam and repented before they died will live forever with their victims in joy; a place where my dad’s killer after repenting will break bread with my dad and laugh together for the joy of the Lord will be overflowing and things of the world would’ve been forgiven. Will you excuse me please? Mo fé loo só.
What shall it profit a man like me to gain all the suffering of this world just because I care about the so called hereafter, but because I just lambad one naughty girl with a boobiferous architecture to pàrònúré on one memorable Saturday, lose my heaven? What does it profit a man to be born in Nigeria, get exploited by his own government, oppressed by his royal king, spend money on schooling for the first half of his lifespan just to get a job from which he hopes to get money to take back to the same school for his children’s schooling for the other half of his lifespan, get used to IBEDC/NEPA incurable plague, get used to hunger, suffer like he was the one who killed Abraham Lincoln and then end up in hell fire just because on one sunny afternoon like that, he drank palm wine under a mango tree, palm wine which of course religion calls alcoholic and ungodly. Sorry o, I didn’t know it was Satan who created palm trees.
Ódáa náà, èyin òtòkùnnú ìlú, what shall we do? Okay, I should speak first? Thank you. When next it rains, let us abandon the slay mamas like, se’fe soríburúkú and go to our farms to grow our comfort, development and our brighter futures. There’s no way our children can build helicopters if hunger has drunk all the water in their brains. There’s no way corruption can lift off of our land if everybody’s major objective is to get rich overnight. And the solution is not for the government to wave their wands in the air and 1 Naira equals 1 Dollar, the solution is to start using our heads and realize we’re our own government and our way of life is our policy. We have land! Let’s shun beer and buy agrochemicals instead. Let’s take all we’ve got to the farm, make our own food, grow our own cereals and harvest enough to eat and enough to export. After then, we shall see whether the country will develop or not. When next it rains, don’t grab the condom, grab the hoe, the knapsack sprayer and the tractor, let’s go to the farm, let’s evolve agriculturally so that we can have enough to evolve industrially. Óyá, who’s with me?
– Lord eBay (and his random ruminations, 2017)