“So, you’ve been crazy about finding a girl in the army, haven’t you?”
I nodded like an obedient child.
“Okay. Here I am now, what are you going to do?” she asked seductively, loosening her buttons.
Haba! Kilagbe kilaju! My eyes got glued to what lay in the shadow of her camouflage shirt. Eh, will this soldier girl not spoil my life bayi?
I was enchanted!
If an angel had blown the trumpet then, I wouldn’t have answered. Save the distant honking of horns and the ticking of the wall clock, only my heartbeats were audible. The scene was greeted by a treacherously perfect silence but my eyes were hearing, seeing and tasting every detail in a riot of loud quietude. The first button, second, third… the fourth button was about to be dealt with when she stopped loosening them and left my mouth open, licking the picture and inconspicuously gasping for breath. It was a swollen fresh skin housed beneath a green tube and it looked palatable, something you wouldn’t repent from if it was your sin. It got me really hungry, of course not for food, haba! Oro ounje a lelei ta n so yi.
“So,” she whispered to me. “Can you handle a Sergeant?”
“I-I can…” disruption in power supply. “I’ll try my b-best and le-le-leave the rest to God.”
“To God? You must be an acute sinner!”
“Sinning is my area of specialization. I literally g-gr-duated with First Class in Sin Science.”
“Oh-oh, I like the sound of that. So, how do we start?”
She closed the distance between us and pressed her bosom against mine. We looked eye to eye and I could feel her warm breath on my face. Her right hand was groping into my ‘one or two places’, her left around my neck.
“Can you handle me?” she whispered in my ear.
I was violently hard then, like a wrestler’s arm. I tried to get hold of her lips but she abruptly backed away.
“Go and lock the door,” she said and all her buttons went loose.
Oh my God of Integrated Science! The greatest spoken words in the Year 2017! Lock door!
“But it’s time for prayer now, eBaby. They’re calling for prayer. Won’t you go and pray first?”
“Ah, I’ll pray later, don’t worry.”
Somebody knocked the door then, and when I turned around to curse the person and ask him or her to vanish, I woke up. It was a dream.
What? It was a fucking dream and someone fucking woke my ass up!
I lurched out of bed angrily and surged to the door like a berserk whirlwind. Who the hell- Damn! It was my neighbour’s wife. This woman finally ruined my career.
“Corper, edakun eyami nsana,” she said.
Isana? Can you imagine? Isana when I was in the middle of a serious something. I said I didn’t have Isana o, even though I had. She fucking spoilt my romantic moment because of matches! Can you imagine? I can’t still believe it till now.
There came the call for prayer then. I picked my kettle, performed the ablution and raged mosque-ward. I was going to report her intrusive ass to my maker.
…to be continued.
-Lord eBay (and his romantic adventures, 2017)