Would you allow me to take you to a Nigerian home for a minute? Thanks, we’re here now. Let’s sit and watch.
Mum says you mustn’t collect biscuit from your classmates in school. Why? Because they ‘will’ use it to initiate you into a witch coven. Be wary of every child, they’re all witches and imps. Dad says you mustn’t eat at the neighbour’s house. Why? They attend a white garment church and are fetish. Uncle says you mustn’t accept gifts from strangers. Why? You could disappear immediately after accepting such gift and end up used for money rituals. Morning and evening prayer points in the family: Every evil neighbour that wants to snatch our glories, fire, fire, fire, fire! Anybody who looks at us with bad eyes, death, death, death, death! Anybody who says daddy will not buy a car, thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder! Any neighbour who speaks ill of us, let them all perish oh Lord with all their family and children. Amen and Amen.
Now you’re all outside your house at 5pm, watching passers-by pass by on the road. Older ones talk. That woman who sells rice opposite, she’s a wicked woman, he would be frowning anytime someone fetches water at their house. Shebi it’s her husband that did the bore-hole, what’s her own? That Ibo guy who sells foodstuffs is a flirt; he sleeps with the barber’s wife but the barber doesn’t know. That barber is even a thief, is it from ordinary barbing saloon he got money to buy that car? Deji, don’t go there again to barb o. He’s using people’s glories. Iya Segun who sells pepper is a hypocrite and a gossip. And she calls herself a Christian o. Is that one even a Christian or something else? The landlord… that man is a stingy one. And he calls himself an Alfa, his wife is not even enjoying him, olóríburúkú. Who’s that girl that is living with them by the way? Is he not sleeping with her sha? Well, what’s my business sef, is she my daughter?
Now a girl emerges from one of these homes and leaves for a school where she was admitted. She walks the earth seeing faults in everybody, suspecting everybody, insulting people unnecessarily. She actually believes everybody sees the world the same way she does, and thusly, she’s always ready to fight. When she sees two people talking and laughing, she quickly concludes they’re talking about her. She hates them. I mean, what else could they be talking about if not her? Wasn’t she the only person on earth worthy of being discussed? What would she be talking about if she were with her family back at home if not about other people? So, isn’t that what others do too?
Readers, follow me, please let’s check her Facebook bio: “I don’t care what anybody says about me, haters will always talk. Bad belle people everywhere.”
Ooops! Just what her mum would say.
– Lord eBay (and his random ruminations, 2018)