GOSPEL OF LAZINESS

Let me tell you what rich people think of you; they think you don’t have sense and that’s why you’re poor. They also think poverty inspires desperation, that desperation prompts criminality and your criminal tendencies make you dangerous. So, simply put, they believe poor people are dangerous and should be avoided at all cost. Poor people eat here? They won’t eat there. Poor people live here? They’ll locate their houses far, barricade them and put gates. You go to their estates, you’ll fill out forms and tell the security who you came to see. First, they’ll ring the person up to verify he’s expecting you. If he’s not, you’ll be thankful you’re simply driven away and not arrested.

Certain social clubs do their best to prevent poor people from entering their premises too. It would embarrass the rich people to sit with riffraff at their leisure times and that could cost the clubs their good customers. So, club owners station hefty bouncers at their doors, to preserve their clubs’ integrities. Random parties, weddings, birthdays, christenings, festivals, name it; they’re always guarded. These people are not being ridiculous, my friend, poor people truly can’t withstand the sight of excesses without the thoughts of stealing crossing their minds. Or so rich people would fear.

Before you beat me, let’s go back to the beginning where I said rich people think poor people don’t have sense and that’s why they’re poor, shall we? Do you want to know what I think? I think it’s not true, and I also think it’s not entirely a lie. Look around! Everybody uses smartphones with access to the internet, yet anything that makes sense on it, like knowledge that google is always willing to give, networks that LinkedIn offers, or influential people one could meet on social media, yet what a poor man with a smartphone is interested in is FUN only, nothing less, nothing more. If Albert Einstein were still alive, and his argument with Nietzsche was published on Facebook as regards Coronavirus and its influence on global politics, an average poor man wouldn’t read it; he would rather want to read jokes, gists, mantras from Naira Marley, fun, from TundeEdnut to Yahoo boys’ twerking challenges, to PornHub, to comedians’ pages on Instagram, and so on. He enjoys being simple yet wants to be great. After all, it only takes a laptop and voodoo, not knowledge, to get rich. Rich people ball harder, you see? But they work first.

Everybody curses Buhari, poor man follows suit by default, not because he has personal sentiments or understands the politics or anything; someone just has to be blamed for his poverty, ignorance and stupidity, anyone but himself. If a poor woman’s menstruaion ceased, Buhari is also to blame. She graduated from UNILAG, studied Environmental Science yet doesn’t remember what the lecturer said Climate Change is all about. It was a blurry semester that year. Honest woman though; she doesn’t think she can be rich on her own, in her life, ever, no, her aim is to marry a rich man and then bloat on his money. Honest woman. Gracias.

Some of the children rich people raised aren’t as smart as Taju, the electrician next street, but their smart parents have designed their lives for them so that they’ll always stay rich, and while DJ Cuppy is Taju’s role model, traveling to Spain just to buy ice cream, Taju is stuck in Ijebu-Ode forever, helping people fix their bulbs and getting shocked constantly to laugh, “Ma fo. No be today electricity dey shock me o. E don register for body.”

I won’t waste any more time writing what most people won’t like to read, so, let me just say this; motivational speakers are scammers, or so they say, right? Well, they could be, since most of them are just trying to sell their books. However, when they’re being condemned and you’re listening, make sure it’s not illicit hackers or swindlers speaking. That’s a dark road drawing you away from light. Motivational talks do more good than harm, that’s the truth, don’t be stupid. Just take what works for you and ignore the rest. If you want to earn the right to cross to the rich people’s side of the world, you’ll need all the motivation you can get, not an epidural in your ignorance, or blind gospel of laziness. When rich people meet men of potentials with financial limitations, they identify them and often help them. You can teach a man with legs to walk, but if he doesn’t have legs at all, now, what shall we do? Well, how did I forget it’s not everybody who wants to be rich? Forgive me, mi amor, I shut my mouth.

– Lord eBay (and his random ruminations, 2020)

#eStreetWriters

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