What They Mean to Goats

In this life, one just has to live as one’s soul demands. You want to be rich, be rich. No, you only want to live quietly, then, live quietly. Stick to what pleases your soul and let others stick to theirs. It’s wicked replicating your decisions for other people or condemning their choices in the…

What Mrs Benson Said

First time it happened, I was on a bus to Ibadan from Oshodi. I sat next to a woman who carried a child I wasn’t very pleased with, as he made it a duty to stain my clothes with his shoes. I was by the right edge of the seat, you know, that place where…

Who Shall I Tell?

You see, while I was president in school, a printer swindled us. Without warning, we travelled to Ibadan to catch him, and luckily, we did. Then, we dragged him to a police station. Months later, when we still hadn’t got results, I found out that the guy was already taking the officers out on weekends…

GOSPEL OF LAZINESS

Let me tell you what rich people think of you; they think you don’t have sense and that’s why you’re poor. They also think poverty inspires desperation, that desperation prompts criminality and your criminal tendencies make you dangerous. So, simply put, they believe poor people are dangerous and should be avoided at all cost. Poor…

That Guy

Let me tell you about a guy; I shall call him Sucrutum, to hide his identity. He was a teacher I worked with. He was a very respectful person, especially indoor. Outdoor, he wasn’t very respectful. He would want to sell himself big, and he would think portraying himself bigger than everybody else would give…

Bringer of Wisdom

“Omo ò jìyà, ó lóun gbón” has outlived its trueness (as a proverb insinuating that wisdom can only be borne by suffering). Wisdom is the end product of a man’s intercourse with information; not with adversity. You need a green paint while you only have blue and yellow. Now someone comes around, takes a cupful…

HICHKI: A REVIEW

“There are no bad students, only bad teachers” is an aphorism to take home from the cinema, after seeing the Indian movie titled Hichki. The screen blares on showing us the struggle of a woman seeking a teaching job. Eighteen schools but none would employ her; why? Because she has Tourette’s syndrome, a neurological disorder…

Taking A Walk Through Your Neighbourhood (Page 3)

The tension that preceded NYSC Camp was immense. They’ll steal your phone. They’ll steal your charger. They’ll steal your fiancée. They’ll steal your keke napep. They’ll steal your breasts. But when I got there (at Yikpata Camp), I met the direct opposite of the troubling picture painted for me. The only incidences of stealing we…

Taking A Walk Through Your Neighbourhood (Page 2)

Facebook bios ‘usually’ succeed in giving me the measurement of people’s education, intelligence, social status and maturity. “If you fuck with me, I’ll fuck with you,” sounds like someone who is either a thug or a gentleman with an empty purse. “He reigns,” sounds like a functional Christian. “Some people we just be hating, meanwhy,…

Taking A Walk Through Your Neighborhood (Page 1)

Would you allow me to take you to a Nigerian home for a minute? Thanks, we’re here now. Let’s sit and watch. Mum says you mustn’t collect biscuit from your classmates in school. Why? Because they ‘will’ use it to initiate you into a witch coven. Be wary of every child, they’re all witches and…

CHILDREN DON’T FORGET

I knew an uncle when I was young; he used to come from Lagos. Everybody who came from Lagos then was like an angel to me, not because Lagos was spectacular or anything (I started Primary School there myself) but because the coming of an uncle from Lagos could have only meant one thing, gifts….

ARTISTS’ DESPAIR

Art is the voice of Nature; history is her tale; poetry is her song; politics is her language; love is her silence, for love, when spoken by Nature is always very quiet, unless frustrated. Happiness is the prize Nature gives to whomever unquestioningly understands her. Sorrow is the spell Nature casts on anyone who is…